I like writer me…

I've always struggled to tell my story, I don't know why. So when I wrote my blog 'The blog I didn't want to write', I was relieved. Finally I had gotten those words out. Sharing that part of my life was integral to my blog and page, but mostly my story. I don't think my experiences are any more significant than anyone else's, but they are relatable. I felt like I needed to fill in the blanks. Share my defining chapters.

Anyways, the point.

I wrote the above quote a few years ago, and I was proud of myself, because finally here I am telling my stories.

However, the other night I was watching a movie, The luckiest girl alive, towards the end one of the character said this.

Often something will speak to me, it's like a little sermon, that I'm meant to hear.

I instantly felt the disappointment creep through me. Up until that moment I truly believed that I had shared wholeheartedly. Yes I did write my story honestly, but I realised I was still protecting people. I wasn't fully transparent with my hurt, my anger, my heartache, the betrayal, the depth of my despair.

But then I thought to myself, but you wrote it, you finally wrote something that you were able to share. Something that you don't wake up every day and think, I need to delete that.

So I reflected further.

Maybe in order to write I have to stay true to myself, maybe I am a gentle writer. Which is a little conflicting because, I am a little harsh in general, my delivery often causes me regret, well not necessarily my delivery, but the fact that I say too much. It's rarely mean spirited, just truthful, and often the truth hurts, and in reality it is only my perception of the truth.

Possibly when I write, I do so in a way that I won't feel the constant dark cloud, the sense of foreboding that I feel in daily life.

If only I had the luxury of being able to tweak my words before verbalising them, the way I can when I write. To be able to go back, change them, remove them, soften them. I might like myself better.

I guess we would all like to go back and change things we have said. But the reality is, we said them, and rewording a conversation, doesn't take the sting out of the initial words.

So, maybe I did write it how I was meant to, because I don't feel uncomfortable about it. I don't feel like I compromised myself, I don't feel like I embellished anything, or that I was unfair to anyone else involved.

Just maybe, this is who I am as a writer, a different me, a me that I like.