My cup runneth over…

I’ve been with my partner for four and a half years. We met at a time that I’d decided I was happy to remain single. It was also the middle of the pandemic, so it was strange timing to be starting something new and unfamiliar. On one hand we have the pending zombie apocalypse and the other the beginning of a new journey.

He was a ‘healthy’ person, so initially I was reluctant. Chronic illness brings many things to the table that a well person often hasn’t had to deal with before. However, he was super encouraging and insistent that it wouldn’t be an issue for him. Most people say that and genuinely believe it. But when they get a few months in and see that there are sacrifices, issues usually arise, and it would be abnormal if they didn’t.

I am very transparent at the beginning of a relationship, in fact he thought I was trying to sabotage it. But I just wanted him to know all the possible scenarios, and for him to be aware of all the things I could most likely never do. As well as having chronic illness, I have many chemical/fragrance and food sensitivities. As you can imagine, that involves a lot of inconveniences. When you have to ask people to make sacrifices in order to be in your life and keep you safe, that comes with a lot of guilt.

If I’m honest I think I used to seek out people who had many personal issues of their own so that I would feel less guilty about my own conditions.

In essence I settled for dysfunctional relationships as I didn’t feel worthy of a ‘normal’ healthy relationship. Something I have since worked through. It’s taken a long time, but I no longer punish myself for not being whole/healthy. Health issues don’t make me less deserving of the good things in life.

Once I got my head around the fact that I was in-fact embarking on a relationship, I felt like meeting my partner later in life, was an unfair disadvantage.

So much more time we could have had together, explored together, grown together had we have been younger.

But I’ve been thinking about that lately. If we were to have met up when we were younger, we would have been different people.  We are very different people as it is, and I’m not sure in my younger years we would have been a good match.

I’ve really evolved as a person in the last ten years. I see who I am, I realise how sensitive I am, and also how, I’m really searching for the right word here, arrogant seems a little harsh but also kinda fitting. I’m two extremes, so I am constantly working to keep that balanced, and when I don’t I am aware and accountable.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s been a fairytale romance, we’ve had some difficulties, but together we have worked through them and grown closer because of it. It sounds cliche, but that’s what happens when you overcome adversity together.

I think had we been twenty years younger neither of us would have been mature enough to do that.

Recently when I was diagnosed with cancer, I again found myself thinking how unfair it was to the relationship. To add more health issues. But I also found myself, in a way, feeling that maybe this is how it is suppose to be. I can’t imagine having gone through cancer treatment in a more stable, comfortable environment.  Having prior health issues meant that I needed more assistance than others, that are able to be more independent with their treatments. It was a daily one hour round trip for treatment, of which I could not take myself. I was mostly bed bound, so meals and incidentals were all provided. And not once did I feel like I was a burden or an inconvenience. If I had to be in this position, I couldn’t have asked for a better setting in which to navigate what lay ahead. An environment abundant with love and care.

At this point it would be remiss of me not to mention my ex husband. He was a wonderful husband, we divorced ten years ago and have remained family since. Without him I think my life would have been, well who knows what it would have been. What l do know, is that because of him I had the privilege of a life that I may never have experienced.  For that I am eternally grateful. We just grew apart intimately, we are still the greatest of friends tho. In fact he is our flatmate. Some people think it’s odd that we all live together, they probably think we have some type of poly relationship, we don’t, it just works, and financially it’s better for all of us. I understand a lot of people don’t have their exes in their life, normally I would be the same, just not in this situation, he is just a great guy. And his ongoing support and care in my life has also contributed greatly to my contentment in life.

So I have been lucky enough to have the support of two wonderful men in my life. This for me has made not being part of my family unit, much easier to deal with.

So again, as I often say, for a person who has had a lot of adversity in life, I have been blessed, with the circumstances in which I have been able to navigate that adversity. I am grateful and will always remain very aware of my good fortune.

On reflection maybe meeting my partner in my 50’s was just another serendipitous

windfall in my life, and the timing was universally intentional.