I chose my fate…

This memory came up today that I had shared in 2021.

It prompted me find a post I shared in a community group around the same time time.

I don’t usually make any type of declarations about my preferences or political stances etc on my page, as I feel doing so only leads to heated debate and further division, of which I don’t want to play a part. But my blog is my place to safely express myself and share without appearing to bias people with a personal agenda.

These memories are significant for me, because ultimately all the things that happen to us along the way conteibute to who we are.

To be fair I had already been through some things that changed the way I viewed life, I guess you could call it my jaded side.

But the above sharings confirmed on a global scale what I felt was only something experienced by an unfortunate minority.

Before I experienced these things, I didn’t know people had the capacity to behave in such  harmful ways. I just assumed that on some level, everyone knew kindness and compassion, especially those that love us.

I also expected that people in positions of power and authority, were in those positions because when needed they would step up and make the right decisions.

I know this is an extremely naive mindset, given the evil that exists, but I genuinely thought there was more good than evil.

I came to realise, that in fact is not the case.

I’d been let down by a lot of people that shouldn’t have let me down in life, I’ve come to terms with that.

But being let down by the medical field, that for me was next level.

When you have a chronic condition, one which at times has been life threatening, and back then it was all pretty new to me, you tend to rely on those treating you to ‘do no harm’.

My GP took a heavy stance with me regarding my choice not to be vaccinated, telling me it would be hard to give me continuity of care if I chose to remain unvaccinated.  Had I have had less conviction I would have caved at his insistence. I liked/like him as he had diagnosed some existing conditions that had been ongoing for many years. These conditions had been missed, then dismissed, probably due to medical profiling, which is a thing if you keep going back anxious with the same issues.

Hypochondria, neurosis, stress, seem to be a pretty easy diagnosis for missed conditions. Once you are seen and labeled as ‘anxious’, well you are often dismissed and gaslit.

However this Doctor listened, and we had a good rapport, so I was very let down by his heavy hand.  In fairness to my story, he did have his receptionist reach out a couple of months later  saying he would be happy to treat me if I was masked. Initially I had vowed, on principal, to never go back, but given my ongoing issues I knew I needed continuity of care, and apart from his stance on this issue he had always been a good Doctor. Also it was definitely his prerogative to have the opinion he did, it was not for me to tell him otherwise. I respected his personal opinion, just not his approach.  So eventually I resumed my patient Doctor relationship with him.

The hardest part about this situation for me was that when you are chronically ill, your physician becomes someone you rely on physically and mentally.

That day I was devastated, I felt like my security blanket had been ripped from beneath me. At that point in time the unknown regarding the pandemic was frightening in itself,  my Doctor’s stance just added to the climate of fear and anxiety.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the following week I was told by my Colorectal Surgeon that I would need further surgery to find the source of continuous bleeding. This would be the third such surgery in a matter of months. Just before the consultation ended I asked if my not being vaccinated would be an issue.

I find it hard to describe what came next. Let’s just say very quickly he became angry, accusatory, condescending. He told me without vaccination there would be no surgery. I was actually very courteous, thanked him for his time and exited his room, He followed me to reception, threw my file on the counter and said, she won’t be needing another appointment. Turned, walked back to his room and slammed the door.

A couple of weeks later I did receive an email offering a list of alternate surgeons, No doubt legally covering his arse.

Three months later, a text for an appointment with him arrived. I called the surgery, reminding them what had transpired, the receptionist seemed surprised, so I’m guessing he had loosened his stance. I declined the appointment.

Fortunately, a month prior to all this my GP had said, let’s get a second opinion, so I'd had another appointment scheduled in a couple of months. Thankfully my vaccination status was of no interest to the new surgeon.

Having those two Doctors take the position they did at such a tenuous time in my health journey, was almost like the final straw for me. It was as thought my last semblance of faith in humanity had been revoked. Interestingly I met both instances with calmness, clarity and politeness, I accepted both decisions without personal confrontation. I was shocked, but it was as though I was resigned to the insanity that seemed to be playing out on a daily basis. Almost like a what next type of exasperation.

Essentially when I told the surgeon I would not be changing my mind, I chose death. I walked from his room, numb with fear, yet somehow resilient in my resolve. My thought process was, I will decide how I die.

I was always of the decision that I would not be vaccinated. I’d had 35 years of chronic health issues, that have often made getting through the days difficult. I was not about to chance making that worse.

I personally knew someone who had a stroke two days after his first vaccination, along with a handful of other people that had had adverse affects. It was just a hard no for me. No amount of coercion was going to change that. But the actions of those two Doctors at that time broke what hope and faith I had left.

In my time of need, I had no one medically to turn to.

I’m sure there are many others who found themselves in the same predicament.  Many people in medical crisis who no longer had people to advocate for them.

The very people who took an oath to do no harm, did them harm. That is a hard thing to get your head around.  I can only imagine where that may have led some people.

I was also not prepared for the way in which the unvaccinated were attacked. I know that there was malice on both sides, but for me it was the fact that there were even sides. Over night I had become an antivaxxer, a cooker, a conspiracy theorist, someone whom was wished covid and death upon.

I was villified and silenced, afraid to speak my truth in a public forum for fear of the imminent vitriol.

During those couple of years that the pandemic was unfolding, other issues took to the world stage. We watched unfolding events and atrocities, saw openly and not so openly a new world. Well probably not a new world, just one that had dropped it's cloak.

A world which continues to shock.

A world which feels like one big dysfunctional relationship. Red flags openly on display.

Technology outing what was once hidden. Or what personal ignorance may have hidden. It’s as though everyone got caught out with their bad behaviours, so they figure why hide them.

Accountability no longer a prerequisite.

I use to think that I was just different, sensitive, that I struggled existentially, but the reality is most people feel that way, I just didn't know it.