Healing is not linear…

Below is today’s page post, you could say it’s an adjunct to my last blog.

Day to day life goes along peachily, sometimes for months. I feel well adjusted, coping as I should. I give myself a little leeway because I know some of the feelings I feel at the moment are valid. I'm 3 months out from cancer treatment and heading towards finding out if the cancer is still there. So there's a level of anxiety. But all in all I think I'm doing okay. That is until something triggers me and I am transported back to old patterns. Some long standing patterns, and although I am now adept at recognising them, they still occur.

In my last blog I wrote about my relationship, my insecurities. So elaborating on today’s post felt necessary. Mostly my relationship is healthy and cruises along. But like all couples we have our issues. Usually when there is conflict (conflict with anyone actually) I find myself in a position of feeling unworthy, and disliking myself. It’s not where I start out, but it’s where I end up. And I’m always disappointed that I end up there. My insecurities could be easily diffused with reassurances, but my partner is not really a communicator, especially in the heat of the moment. And in all fairness at the time I’m not even sure of why I feel the way I do. I mentioned abandonment issues in my last blog, I mean I know they are there, but I didn’t really realise how they contributed to my spiralling after conflict, or even during.

So when I came accross someone describing similar feelings and where they originate from, I instantly realised why I always end up feeling the same way. Unworthy of love.

Anytime I did anything that my parents disapproved of or just didn’t like, they threw me out of the home/family. Or I was given an ultimatum, which forced my hand anyway. And they were usually unreasonable demands, based around control. This happened many times, until the last time, which was irreparable.

There was also a relationship with a narcissist, and others that found it easier to lose me rather than see themselves. I’ve no doubt these relationships contributed.

I would prefer to leave that last paragraph out completely, it feels too personal, but that would just make me chicken shit 😕.

And it’s an integral part in understanding where those patterns come from.

I usually write these blogs and just leave them in my drafts, come back to them and remove most of the parts that feel too vulnerable or whinny, because to me, they feel victimish. I don’t want to be that person with hang ups from my past. I want to be better than that, strong, resilient, and maybe I am those things but I feel like sharing my insecurities negates that. However, my need to be honest, even if it means exposing uncomfortable memories and my own flaws, wins out. And seeing someone else share something so personal, even though the circumstances were a little different really resonated with me.

Also checking my notifications this morning a follower left this comment.

This type of encouragement makes me feel like my over sharing is necessary in order to really connect with others, because the reality is they are not alone. There a re many people with the same struggles and just knowing that, is comforting.

I don’t understand why I always find a way to turn everything back onto myself. Even when I know my concerns were valid, I still do it.

I’m not a fan of just moving forward after conflict, usually the following day I broach a conversation with my partner so that whatever the issue, we can fix it and move forward without harbouring resentment.

But seeing the post about abandonment attachment gave me a clear understanding of how I get to where I get mentally, as the conflict unfolds. I don’t know if that is going to make any difference, because it’s a deep wound, but I usually find that knowing what I’m doing, allows me to focus on my personal accountability. I have to be accountable for where my perceived feelings land me. And being aware might allow me to diffuse my self sabotage and be kinder to myself in my processing. I probably should add, I’m no saint in conflict. I’m not mean per se but I have been known to lose my shit, which also after, the fact adds fuel to the self loathing fire.

Whilst reading back over these words I did have a thought that maybe because some of the main people in my life have rarely owned their behaviors, or made ammends, I am left holding the unresolved, conflict. Maybe, even though I know the part I played, them not owning theirs makes me feel guilt and shame, as though somehow it’s all on me. I know it’s not, and yet…

Having said that, a few months ago I had a person who I cut out of my life, (when I was in my culling phase, a necessity, I was finally boundarying up), reach out. An older woman, had she have so chosen, we could have had a familial relationship. But for her own reasons decided I was the enemy. Anyways long story short, she asked someone to tell me that I was the only person that had cared about her in her times of need and she really appreciated that. Of course my forgiving heart just wanted to rekindle, someone shows a little kindness and all bets are off, but I knew it wasn’t a healthy option. Anyways the point to that little tidbit. Although on a lot of levels her words made me feel vindicated, they also caused a deep sadness. A sadness for what could have been, what should have been and what wasn’t. I think when you live with an unfair hardship you always feel discomfort, because you know that you didn’t do anything big enough to warrant the outcome, the punishment. They had to make it big, rather than own their part. And maybe years later like this person, they kinda owned their part. But all it served to do was further complicate the story. So even with her admission and partial ownership, the ambiguity remains. The clouds are still there, just a little less grey.

Even though it brought up a lot of baggage for me, I’m grateful to have stumbled across the abandonment attachment post. I was meant to see it, these little epiphanies, they are all part of the journey, which is clearly a life long journey. I just wonder though, will there be a point where I can actually truly like myself? And why don’t I? I’m not a bad person and I know I have a good heart, yet still I’m not great friends with myselves, we disappoint me, often. But I do think I am much closer to understanding why I feel this way. There is a price to pay for upholding boundaries over empathy. Some of it might be tied up in other people not owning who they are. And a really valid question is, why did I/do I need the approval and acceptance of dysfunctional people who hurt me? Possibly it may be because the reasons for abandonment feel unfair. That it was easier to discard me, than be accountable. And if I can hold myself accountable, and if I can atone for my sins, then why shouldn’t/can’t they…

On a positive note this is not an emotional destination where I have a permanent residence. It’s more like an expensive overnight B&B, sometimes there might be a three night deal, but it’s usually a short stay.

Footnote… same day a lil later. I just commented on a post where a woman was struggling. I told her to be kinder to herself, that she was worthy of love, and if others didn’t recognise that, it’s good to know, because they are not her people. I say this type of thing often and I mean it…the irony is not lost on me.

Same day, night time…

Well this just dropped into my realm and slapped me…

The next day…

This resonated …

28th February 2025