Existential Depression…

How do we make a difference in a world where everything seems to be out of our control? Maybe the bigger question is, how do we find meaning amongst the chaos? How do we keep our heads above water?

Deep questions.

Don't get me wrong, generally I think I am a happy person, albeit sometimes consumed by overwhelming deep saddness.

I couldn't quite say I was depressed, well not the type of depression I'd seen or studied. That was until I came accross this article, https://lonerwolf.com/existential-depression/

maybe ten or fifteen years ago, and suddenly a lot of things made sense. I felt like I understood myself, well as best I could. I'd always been so sensitive, effected by everything. From the slightest nuance to a world crisis.

Finally, the words I was reading explained my propensity to exist in high highs and low lows, similtaneously, and why I was able to swap between them with such ease. One moment I may be devestated by an external happening only to be lifted by a subsequent act of kindness. But not just on an oh that's nice, or that's sad kind of level, I feel it to my core.

I think that's where my creativity comes from. I have so many half written blogs that are born from something in my day, that sparked a deep emotion. I suppose in essence, it's just like a journal entry really, a way for me to process what I'm feeling, the avoidance of an implosion.

For a happy person, it's not uncommon for me to feel that life has no meaning, then have that attitude replaced with hope and gratitude a short time later, like a pendulum swinging from dark to light.

And don't even get me started on death. I remember the first time I ever experienced anxiety as as a child, I was maybe 6, wondering about what happens when you die, a feeling of dread washed over me, the beginning of my innocence being challenged.

I don't remembered a lot of my childhood, but that is a memory and a feeling that has stayed with me.

Even though having interchanging emotions mentally feels like a rollercoaster, I don't think I'd choose a more even keel, given the option. It's afforded me a kind of resilience, to know that I always come out the other side, adversity is temporary.

Sure some things derail us, bring about permanent change, but even in the change, we find light, we find a way to flourish again.

As for the exestential crisis's of the world, for us lay people, especially those that are empathetic, our hands seems tied. But on an individual/community level we have the ability to initiate change, no matter how small or how insignifigant it might seem. To the receiver it might be the difference as to wether they stay in their dark.

I've always been one of those people that have way too many questions, a perfect candidate for existential depression. Mostly answers to my questions only cause more questions. This makes holding a faith ambiguous. I envy people that have unequivocal beliefs. I believe in a higher power. I have a sense of foreboading when I feel I have wronged another, which remains until rectified, or at the very least attempted rectification. That internal dark cloud to me is my higher power holding me accountable. So you could say I'm a believer, but a believer with many question.

Some suggest that it's not possible to be a believer if you don't have absolute faith, but I feel like if I live with a good moral compass, then my judgemt day will be between myself and my higher power, whatever/whomever that may turn out to be.

I remember sitting with a dear friend years ago, who is a Pastor, asking questions. I posited, it must be hard, people asking so many questions. He said most people didn't ask a lot of questions. This suprised me, how could they not have many, many question. It made me feel, in a way difficult, like I came accross belligerent, but I was /am genuinely just a curious person. I have questions, always, many.

It's super easy to become jaded in life, often it just seems like one thing after another, especially as we get older, more time to rack up negatives. But we have to counteract misfortune, if we don't we drown, we have to keep treading water, we have to find hope, learn to float, shut out the constant chatter, tap into out existentialism. We have to eek out our own purpose in life, because it's never been more evident how alone we really are.

We have to create our own Sunshine.