Chronic Illness…

As a long-time sufferer of chronic illness, I touch on the topic often. I'm 35 years in now, so for me it's a way of life. But it takes many years to accept that you aren't going to recover. You have to adapt to a life that you hadn't planned for. The aspirations you once had are no longer obtainable. Things that others take for granted, you pine for. I often use to watch people passing by, just Sunday afternooning, carefree. I felt like a child watching the other kids play and not being able to participate. You become accustom to not being part of every day life, missing milestones becomes the norm. I was fortunate, in that I didn't become ill until my early 20's, so I got to live a relatively normal life until then. The next ten years were spent trying to regain my health. One of the hardest decisions was giving up my job. It felt like conceding, the final acknowledgement, that my health was not going to miraculously return. There's a great deal of grief involved in that acceptance. For a lot of years I saw my self as my illness. I think that's probably normal when your life is revolving around your health. But eventually I realised I was a person with an illness. I stopped letting IT define me. I created a new normal. I looked at myself as a chest of drawers. In one of those draws my health was carefully wrapped in tissue paper. I only took it out when it demanded attention. It was always there, present, but I had to compartmentalise it, in order to live.

People have all sorts of suggestions on how you might get better or how they would deal with it if it were them. Easy to say, but just like with everything in life, you can't know what you haven't lived. I can't tell you how many times I was crushed by peoples insensitive comments and judgements. Someone even told me how lucky I was, I could go to the beach everyday. I was flat out finding the energy to get to a specialist appointment at times, let alone the beach. It's heart breaking losing so much and having to justify yourself, and vie for the acceptance of healthy people. I came across the quote a few years ago that is so true.

When I look back on my life there are two clear phases, before and after my illness. My therapist believes there were a lot of things in my childhood that impacted my life, and she's probably right. But for me everything materialised after the decline of my health. I saw things, people, relationships differently. It damaged my self worth. I often settled for less because, I felt like I didn't deserve 'normal' things. But it also made me very compassionate and strong. I can't say the type of person I may have become, without health issues, but I still feel like I have a achieved a great deal in my life, given my circumstances. I've been blessed in so many ways. I don't mean to paint a dreary picture, because the reality is I've had a beautiful life. I tell this part of my story, because it's my foundation, but it's also a private part that I only share when necessary.

My heart goes out to people who suffer hardships in dire circumstances. Sometimes when I see what others are faced with I am ashamed of myself for wishing I was healthier. I think we need to be way more mindful of what others are going through or have been enduring for many years, often their entire lives. If you have the opportunity to uplift someone, please do. Because a kind word on a particularly hard day, can make all the difference.

Another related quote ...