The same endings…

When you’ve done years of work on yourself, you become very aware of the part you play in relationships.

But something I wasn’t expecting is that you also become very aware of the part you don’t play.

Over the years I’ve come to a place where I genuinely prefer peace over drama.

I’ll usually bring something to someone calmly if I feel they’ve hurt me. I’m not looking for the perfect conversation. Just acknowledgement, or a conversation where we both own our part.

But the problem is, not everyone is willing to do that. Some people meet your vulnerability with defensiveness. Others see accountability as blame.

And there are certain people who can bring out a version of me that I don’t particularly like. Because after enough deflection, gaslighting and refusing to acknowledge what’s right in front of them, something in me eventually snaps.

I don’t like that version of myself. But pretending she doesn’t exist would be doing exactly what I get frustrated with other people for doing.

So what I’ve had to keep working on isn’t how to argue better. It’s recognising the kinds of relationships where I eventually become someone I don’t like.

Because what I’ve realised is the relationship is usually broken long before I end the conversation with ‘f*** you’ instead of ‘let’s work this out’.

The ‘f*** you’ isn’t the beginning. It’s the ending.

I don’t think the lesson is learning how to stay calmer.  It’s learning to leave before I ever become someone I need to heal from again.

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Today’s page post.

I needed to put my hand up because I did it again.

I reacted in a way I’m not proud of.

And that’s hard to accept after years of trying to become someone who values calm over chaos.

For a moment it felt like all the work I’d done had disappeared.

But that’s not what happened at all. I was just reminded growth isn’t the absence of old reactions.

It’s recognising why they happened, taking responsibility for your part, and making sure you don’t keep putting yourself in situations that repeatedly bring out a version of yourself you no longer want to be.