So maybe I am different…

I don’t think I fully understood what intrusive thoughts were. I have odd thoughts all the time, but I kinda just thought they were normal. Well ok a lil part of me wondered. My mind goes off on little tangents, often, and where we end up is anyone’s guess.

So I thought next time I have one I’ll run it by my partner, see what he thinks.

So we’re watching tv and my knee was aching. In my defense I’m 8 weeks outta cancer treatment, so I’m thinking, my immunity is low (to be fully transparent, I probably still would’ve had this thought anyway). So I’m thinking what if there is an infection in my knee, next thought, what if I have to get it amputated (it escalates fast). Next thought, weight yourself first, so that after the surgery you know what your new normal weight is, less the leg. Next thought, exercise will be difficult, prosthesis will be uncomfortable till you get use to it…These thoughts were all in a matter of 30 seconds, and if I didn’t stop myself so I could tell my partner, the internal dialogue would have continued.

So I relayed them to my partner and he just stares at me. I said, ‘do you think these are intrusive thoughts’.

‘Ah yeah’ he said.

I honestly just thought I was quirky and that intrusive thoughts were more of a violent nature. Ok, I know there was amputation involved, but I wasn’t planning on doing it myself 💁🏻‍♀️.

Now I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m not normal (I mean what is normal anyway), there are other things that would contribute to some type of diagnosis, possibly on a few spectrums.

But then I think, well it doesn’t really matter, you’re 59 years old, too late to be fixing that kinda problem, it’s set in now, ingrained. So I shall just continue on in my weird, yet familiar mind. At least it’s never boring.