It’s what you make it…

You would think not being part of a family dynamic, especially at Christmas time would be difficult.

It’s not. When I decided to accept that I was the black sheep of the family and bow out, I did so with the understanding of what that meant. It wasn’t a rash decision, it was a culmination of incidents that made my choice easy.

I didn’t want to be part of anything that wasn’t authentic anymore. Family should be about love, unity and support, not tolerance and control.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there is a low grade resentment or anger at the unfairness pertaining to the villain in the story, still having a place at the table.

It’s not a table I would ever want to sit at again and to be fair, there’s no one banging my door down with an invitation.

My ambivalence is reciprocated.  That makes it easier, when I was half out, I always felt conflicted by, snippets of gossip and withheld information. Not knowing anything is far easier.

But I will always know that truth doesn’t prevail, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

I don’t feel sadness, I feel indifferent. That might be a coping mechanism or just my acceptance of reality. I made the choice, so to complain about it or wallow in self pity on celebratory occasions or milestones would be counter productive.  I also refuse to spoil the day for others.

I may not have a lot of people in my life, but those that I do are there by choice. They want to be, they like me, love me, value me, they want me to have a seat at their table.

Those are the people whose opinion of me count, not those that are relieved I was gone, for whatever self serving reasons.

I refuse to taint new memories by succumbing to those of the past, and knowing that, might make some smug is all the more reason to thrive.

I choose not to be a victim of circumstances.

Maybe writing about it appears to contradict my stance, but making the choice to keep living, doesn’t mean not acknowledging my story.

It’s about adding new chapters, ones that make reading the older ones easier.