I don’t really…

I stumbled across these words today, that I wrote a few years ago. The thing is I no longer wonder, nor do I care.

Back when I was naive, younger, less wise, I genuinely believed that pouring unconditional love into a difficult partner was the answer. How could someone not be moved to change and bloom in an environment dedicated to their healing.

I need to acknowledge that kind heart, that genuine desire to give love so selflessly. I still feel sad for her (me), her intentions were so sincere, so hopeful. Fortunately for her, she no longer exists.

No doubt everybody grows through some type of similar situation. I remember a plethora of quotes doing the rounds - the you will never find another me type -, so I didn’t just imagine the sentiment.

I really did believe that at some point, the other person would realise what had been on the table, what they had taken for granted. The magnitude of what they lost. The realisation that they would never find that type of commitment, that type of tolerance, patience, dedication, again.

But now I just feel like that was arrogance and stupidity. I didn’t think I was better than anyone else, I just thought my level of commitment, my love, was different. That surely there would be an epiphany - they would have an, omg I lost that - moment. But did people ever really have that type of mindset or was it just my fanciful schoolgirl, romantic heart loitering in the corridors.

Of course I realise now, that they move on in a heartbeat, and the chaos becomes someone’s else’s project. That it was dysfunction on my part to even entertain that type of dynamic.

If I think about it logically, relationships feel less invested in. By that I mean, it seems like anytime there are issues, instead of self reflecting people are gaining instant gratification from a stranger on social media. Putting in the work has become tedious. Especially when you can be uplifted by someone who has no idea of who you are under your social media persona. The grass is greener kind of scenario. Maybe that’s what it is, voids are filled before self reflection and loneliness ever have a chance to settle in. A lot of people are choosing to move on, rather than looking inward. Laying fake grass is far less work than planting a garden.

Anyways, was there some type of universal shift, did the blueprint for relationshiping change, was it a life lesson, or did I just wake tf up, and take off the rose coloured romance novel glasses.

Jaded as it might sound, I am skeptical about most things these days. I mean it’s not an unreasonable position, given - well - the world.

But hey, at least my heart is smarter.