………….

Me: Well look who came by for a little sucky-sucky.

Vampire: Don’t say it like that.

Me: Why not? You’re not exactly brooding in a candlelit castle. You live in a share house, your coffin’s from IKEA, and I’ve seen you drink boxed blood with a straw.

Vampire: It’s convenient.

Me: So is Uber Eats, but you don’t see me writing tragic poetry about it. Honestly, you’re the Aldi version of Dracula.

Vampire: That’s unfair.

Me: What’s unfair is you expecting me to give up garlic bread, daylight, and my entire humanity… for this.