A lotness…

A lil something from today.

I’ve always felt like I was a lot, too much. I know that speaking your mind has a tendency to piss people off, so I just let myself believe that I was in fact too much.

But over the years I have met many people who make me look like a shrinking violet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very aware I’m not, just saying in comparison to some. Then when reality tv came about, I got to see the behaviours that people thought were acceptable, that felt outrageous to me. I wasn’t so much judging the behaviours as, doing a mental spreadsheet and taking stock as to where I would actually rate on the a lotness scale. Gauging my behaviour so to speak.

There have been people in my life, calm, fence sitter type people that I have aspired to be like. But in hindsight, it’s not that they weren’t a lot, they were just quiet about it. However, with time, at some point you do get to see everyone’s a lotness, one way or another it comes out. It took me a many years to understand that we are all as complex as each other. With that realisation, I cut myself some slack, became a little kinder to myself. I also realised that I had to work on my own tolerance and be open to the fact that a lotness comes in all shapes, sizes and perceptions, often different to mine. And it’s important to reciprocate the acceptance that I expect. I don’t mean that in a take people’s shit kinda way, more an acknowledgement that we all cope differently and I need to respect that.

Yet at the same time I’ve lost my need to fix or entertain relationships where people don’t reconise my worth. You either see it or you don’t, and if you don’t I’m ok with that and no longer feel the need to even ask why.

If you matter enough to someone they will bring their grievances to you. If not, so be it 💁🏻‍♀️