A lil postmortem…

Thought I should dissect some of the quotes I’ve written over the last few days.

I don’t dwell on the past, but I do acknowledge it when I need to.

I do it through my quotes and my blog. Mainly because I want to share my experiences so that others who can relate don’t feel so alone. So that they can start taking steps to be free of dysfunction.

Also sometimes I just feel the need to express what I’m feeling. These type of relationships/betrayals are always with us, we are always healing from them. Often out of the blue you will start thinking about some aspect of it all, and there’s a little epiphany, an understanding that needs to be acknowledged.

When my narcissist left me, I was devastated.  He wasn’t only leaving me he was leaving the country. So I knew there would be no coming back. I begged him not to go, I humiliated myself.  Even a month after he had gone I was still living in hope that by some miracle he would come back. I reached out several times, I apologised for my part in us not working.  I worried myself sick about his mental state. He soaked it up, preened himself with my desperation.

Years later, I find these actions the hardest to deal with. Essentially I was making him feel better about the shit person he actually was.

The reality is, I should have been down on my knees thanking God for removing him from my life. But instead I continued to enable his dysfunction.  To make him feel good about it. That disgusts me.

If I wasn’t so committed to my no contact under any circumstances stance, I would have contacted him and recanted my patheticness (yea I know it’s not a word, but it fits). I would have told him the truth, not meanly, but I just feel like the record needs to be set straight.

I've visited this regret before, because it plagues me, doing myself dirty like that, isn't easy to forget.

After much healing and research I now understand why I allowed myself to endure the abuse.

I’ve had a lot of therapy over the last couple of years. The interesting thing is, I didn’t waste much time talking about him. I didn’t need to. I had learned all I needed to about narcissism through my own research.

I advocate researching of dysfunctions often, because once you start researching, you are on the path to discovery.  And when you see how classic their behaviour is, and your reaction to it, you know, there is no hope for the relationship.

I spent most of my therapy time concentrating on why I had such little self worth and why I allowed the dysfunction I did.

It’s true, we are all a work in progress, so I don’t see revisiting my trauma as any type of regression. I see it as the need to acknowledge something, that if not acknowledged has the propensity to unnecessarily manifest itself in some other area of my life.

Footnote...

25th 0ctober 23

I thought it fitting that this came up in my memories today.